To: President-Elect Donald Trump
CC: Trump Transition Team, RNC, Inauguration Committee
BCC: CNN, MSNBC, et al
I have decided to respectfully decline any request to perform at your inauguration. The fact that I have not yet been invited played no part in this decision.
Unlike those performers who may have declined out of sincerely-held political beliefs, or those “B” list performers who accepted but then pulled out over fear of what others in the entertainment industry might think, I am refusing for entirely selfish and totally non-political reasons.
You see, Sir, I have no marketable entertainment skills whatsoever. I couldn’t draw a crowd if I set myself aflame in front of the Lincoln Memorial.
I am taking this action in the hopes that adding my name to the list of decliners will give me the fame and notoriety that my talent (or lack thereof) has thus far been unable to provide.