You Might Be…..

About a dozen years ago, I delivered a speech that got a standing ovation.  It may well have been the best thing that I ever wrote, and I would give anything to have a copy of it today, but like the emails at the IRS, I’m afraid that it is gone forever.

Here’s how it came about -

As a technical instructor at IKON Office Solutions, I was instrumental in conducting the Tech Olympics, a program designed to recognize our most outstanding technicians.  Our Southwest District had recently been reorganized, becoming the Central Region, and now included contestants from  states that stretched from Louisiana to Colorado and as far north as Michigan. That year, we held our finals at Mayan Ranch, a Dude Ranch in Bandera, Texas, where in addition to some demanding tests, our best technicians also got to enjoy trail rides, barbeque and western entertainment.

That picture here on my blog of me with a microphone was taken at that event.

As part of the festivities at the awards ceremony, I got up and explained that while I, as a native Texan, got my first horse for my first birthday, I was amazed to learn that one of the contestants – in spite of also being born in Texas – had never been on a horse  before he got to Bandera.  I was appalled, but it made me realize that a lot of what I took for granted was totally new to many of the people at the gathering.

I went on to explain some of the basics of cowboy life – like how a real cowboy would only wear the old shrink-to-fit Levi’s 501 jeans or Wrangler 13MWZs, and I explained that 13MWZ stood for 13 oz. denim made with a zipper.  I told them that a real cowboy would  wear straw hats only in summer, but had a XXX beaver by Resistol or Stetson for the winter months.

I told them that they wore those hats everywhere and all the time, except for church on Sunday. That meant that their faces were tan to just above their eyebrows, then white as a fish belly above that line.  I did point out that there were exceptions, noting that Fred Whitfield from Hockley, Texas, the PRCA Champion All-Around Cowboy for 1999, was African-American, and his forehead was pretty much the same color all the way to the top.

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, I then listed a long string of things followed by “You might be  Cowboy.”  The audience quickly caught on and was soon chiming in on the chorus. 

I listed things like -

If your horse trailer cost more than your house, and the horse you put in it cost more than the truck you pull it with….“You might be  Cowboy.” 

I wish I could remember them all, but the one that brought down the house was -

If the old freezer on your back porch contains deer sausage, Blue Bell ice cream and bull semen….

When the awards ceremony was over, the wife of one of the district managers asked me for my copy of the speech.  Sure that the original was still on my laptop back at the office, I gave it to her. 

I don’t know what happened, but when I got back to work, the speech was no longer there, and it wasn’t in the file on the server where we had all the other Tech Olympics stuff.  I never saw the lady or the speech again.